Understanding Your Child’s Big Feelings
When young children show big behaviours – crying, shouting, clinging, going quiet – they are not being "naughty" or trying to make life hard. Behaviour is their way of communicating needs they cannot yet put into words: "I’m scared," "I’m overwhelmed," "I need you." You are not alone in finding this exhausting or confusing; every parent of a 0–5 year old knows how intense these moments can feel.
Relational regulation means that a child’s nervous system learns to settle by being close to a calm, connected adult. Your steady presence, gentle voice and predictable responses send powerful signals of safety. Over time, your child’s brain starts to copy this calm, building their own ability to manage feelings. This matters far more than getting rewards and consequences exactly right, or trying to be a "perfect" parent.
For example, a tantrum at bedtime might be your child’s way of saying, "I’m tired and not ready to be apart from you." Sitting nearby, keeping your voice soft and staying consistent with the routine helps their body slowly unwind. A clingy nursery drop-off can be a sign of "I’m unsure if it’s safe here without you." A warm hug, a simple goodbye ritual and a calm handover to a trusted adult can gently reassure their nervous system. Even a child who suddenly hits or throws toys may be showing, "I’m overwhelmed and don’t know what else to do." Your job is not to be perfect, but to stay as present and regulated as you reasonably can.
Two simple mindset shifts can help today: first, try to see behaviour as a message, not a verdict on your parenting. Ask yourself, "What might my child’s behaviour be trying to tell me?" Second, remember that "good enough" calm is enough. You do not have to feel peaceful inside all the time; taking a breath, slowing your voice and staying with your child is already powerful co-regulation. Big feelings in little children are normal, and you and your child are learning together.
When we talk about co-regulation, we mean the way your child’s body and brain tune in to yours. A calm, connected adult acts like an anchor in a storm: your slower breathing, softer tone and steady presence help your child’s heart rate and stress hormones settle. This is not about never setting limits; it is about how you set them. A firm "No hitting, I’ll help you stay safe" said with warmth and clarity teaches more than shouting or shaming ever could.
Rewards and punishments can sometimes change behaviour in the short term, but they do not always teach children what to do with the big feelings underneath. Relational regulation focuses on the relationship first: "I am here with you, even when your feelings are huge." From this place of safety, children gradually learn to pause, use words, and try new ways of coping. This is a slow, messy, completely normal process – not a sign that you are failing.
On hard days, it can help to remind yourself: "My child is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time." This small shift can soften your own stress and make it easier to respond rather than react. Another gentle reframe is, "Connection before correction." A quick cuddle, getting down to their eye level, or simply saying, "I see you’re really upset," can open the door to cooperation far more effectively than threats or bribes. You do not need to do this perfectly; every repair, every "Let’s try again," is building your child’s sense of safety and resilience.
Strategies to Support Positive Child Behaviour
1. Establish Clear Routines
Create predictable daily routines for mornings, mealtimes, play, and bedtime. Consistent structure helps children feel safe, reduces anxiety, and makes it easier for them to understand what is expected. Use visual schedules or simple charts so children can see what comes next and feel more in control of their day.
2. Set Simple, Positive Rules
Use a few short, easy-to-understand rules stated in positive language, such as “Use gentle hands” or “Walk inside.” Review them regularly and model the behaviour yourself. When children know the rules and see adults following them, they are more likely to cooperate and behave responsibly.
3. Offer Choices, Not Ultimatums
Give children limited, age-appropriate choices to build independence and reduce power struggles. For example, ask “Would you like the red cup or the blue cup?” instead of demanding compliance. If children try to introduce a 3rd choice, kindly remind them of the choices presented. Then "you choose, or Mummy will choose". Choices help children feel respected and involved, which often leads to better behaviour.
4. Use Consistent Consequences
Respond to behaviour in calm, predictable ways so children learn the link between actions and outcomes. Explain consequences ahead of time and follow through gently but firmly. Consistency builds trust and teaches responsibility without shaming or frightening the child.
5. Praise Effort and Kindness
Notice and name positive behaviour as it happens, such as sharing, trying again, or using kind words. Specific praise like “I saw how you waited your turn” reinforces what you want to see more of and boosts children’s confidence and motivation to behave well.
6. Model Emotional Regulation
Show children how to handle big feelings by staying calm, using words to express emotions, and taking breaks when needed. When adults manage their own frustration and apologise when they make mistakes, children learn healthy ways to cope with anger, sadness, and disappointment.
7. Teach Problem-Solving Skills
Guide children to think through conflicts and challenges instead of solving everything for them. Ask simple questions like “What happened?” and “What could we try next?” Supporting problem-solving helps children develop resilience, empathy, and better self-control over time.
8. Prepare for Transitions
Give gentle warnings before changing activities, such as “In five minutes it’s tidy-up time.” Use songs, timers, or visual cues to make transitions smoother. When children know what is coming, they are less likely to resist or become overwhelmed by sudden changes.
9. Create a Calm Environment
Reduce noise, clutter, and distractions where possible, especially during learning, meals, or bedtime. A calm, organised space helps children focus and feel secure. Having a quiet corner or cosy area can also give children a safe place to relax and reset when emotions run high.
10. Connect Before You Correct
Build warm, trusting relationships through play, conversation, and shared activities. When correction is needed, start with empathy and understanding before setting limits. Children are more likely to listen and cooperate when they feel seen, heard, and valued by the adults around them.
11. Collaborate With Families and Carers
Work together with parents, carers, and other professionals to share strategies and keep expectations consistent across home and school. Regular communication, shared goals, and mutual support create a strong network around the child and lead to more stable, positive behaviour.
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